Litter box blues

I’d been talking to this guy for about 20 minutes when the conversation changed.

“Do you have any pets?” he asked me.

I cringed.  Usually this indicates they want you to talk about bestiality.  I know it’s part of the job, but I avoid it when I can.  I actually don’t have a dog but if I did I’d still say I didn’t because they’d want you to go GET your dog and want to hear sound effects.

“I have a cat.” I told him, and it’s true.

“What I want you to do is to go pee in her litter box.”

What on earth?  I occasionally get guys who want to hear me pee.  I don’t get the fetish, but okay.  If I actually have to pee, I will do it on the phone with them and hold the phone down by the toilet seat.  What do I care?  If I don’t have to pee I improvise by trickling water into the toilet.  Protip:  I keep a bottle with water in it right in the bathroom on a shelf for times like this.

So I wander into the bathroom and grab my water bottle.  I go to the utility room where I have the cat’s litter box and I start teasing him.  I make him ask me to do it over and over again.  I make him tell me how hard it will make him.  I have him go on and on to kill another five minutes before I announce that I have to pee.

I uncap the bottle and hold the phone down close to the box and start dribbling water into the litter.  He starts getting so loud with his moaning that I almost start laughing.  I dribble for a second or two and then start a heavier stream and then down to a trickle.  As I’m bringing the phone back to my ear he moans loudly and hangs up.

My cat is sitting beside the litter box looking at me like I’m insane.


At the same time.

I talked to a guy today who has a thing for two at a time.  If he wasn’t paying so much per minute to talk to me I’d swear it was a joke.

Him:   I want to fuck you with my buddy.  Both of us at the same time.

Sometimes this means he wants to end up playing with his friend and he’s using you as a buffer until he gets to the man sexin’ part.  Sometimes he just wants to double up on a girl.  That was this guy’s angle but with a special twist.  He really wanted to double me up and not in a one in the mouth and one in the vag kind of way.  Not even in the front door and backdoor at the same time kind of way.

“We’re both going to take our dicks out.  Start jerking us both off.”

“I’m wrapping my left hand around your cock while my right is going around your fr..”

“No,” he says.  “I want you to stroke us both in the same hand at the same time.”

I hesitated a beat or two before I started describing that because I had a hard time picturing it.  Luckily he didn’t want me to jerk them off for long.  Next up was oral sex.  He wanted me to suck them both off.

“Put me in your mouth first and then he’ll push his dick in next to it and you can suck us both.”

Now I’m pretty good at giving a beej and I’m great at describing one, but two dicks in my mouth at the same time?  Julia Roberts’ mouth would have a hard time with that.  But, I’m often asked to describe impossible things so I start telling him all about it.  As I’m talking he keeps muttering “Ohhh at the same time” to me.

Our romp then moved to at-the-same-time vaginal sex.  Both of them at the same time, but you knew that.  I described the double dick pounding they were giving me and moaning and groaning and panting while he kept murmuring about at the same time.

“Beg us for it in your ass.  Tell me about how you want our dicks in your asshole.  Beg us to put them in.”

Ever the dutiful phone slut, I begged.  Sadly were were only about a minute and a half into them squeezing both of their throbbing loverockets into my ass before he moaned and hung up.   I wonder, in his mind, if they both came at the same time.


I am going to break one of my own rules for this entry.  Normally I will do whatever I can to change my caller’s information so they are not easily identifiable.  I do this because I want to protect myself, my service, and the caller.  That just makes sense, right?

Well, this guy calls so many services that if he sees this he will not have any idea which service I am with.  You might think this is unfair of me, but we will agree to disagree.  I know a girls from about five different services and they’ve each talked to him.

I have personally spoken to him many times before although he normally likes to speak to a different girl each time.  What you have to do is to pretend he is unfamiliar to you and you haven’t heard the story before.  And believe me, the story is always the same.

He starts the call by saying he wants to talk to you about something strange.  He tells you that his girlfriend had a weird conversation with a friend of her’s.  His girlfriend’s friend doesn’t like Jews and her fantasy is to run a concentration camp.  Yes, you read that right.  She wants to run to a concentration camp.  For the most part she does not want to kill anyone; she wants to make them fight one another.

So now his questions begin.  If there were these fights, would you want to watch them?  What if she were to reward the winners with extra food?  Would that be a bad thing?  What if she threatened to kill their families if they did not fight?  Do you think people would be interested in paying to see Jews fight?  You should hear him say Jews.  He says it like it’s four syllables:  Jewwww ewww ewww sss.

From what I understand some girls play along like they would be interested.  The first time I spoke with him, I admit I played along.  I said that it might be something I want to see.  After that, I realized he just wants you to be shocked and does not care if you tell him a it is wrong.  So, I’d tell him it’s wrong and I am shocked her friend is so mean.

At this point he will say that someone is at the door or someone came home and he has to go.  He then tells you that he made it all up and none of it is true.  He says that he doesn’t even have a girlfriend.  He thanks you for your time and hangs up.

What a weird fucking world.

Extra sad call

I spent almost 3 hours talking to a guy whose wife has left him recently.  I could tell he’d been drinking and his emotions were all over the place.

At first he just complained to me about his wife.  They’d been married for 17 years and she was sick of him.  He is 48 and she’s 39.  He ranted that he’d left his perfectly good first wife to be with her and THIS is the gratitude she has shown him?  He paid for her college education, didn’t she owe him?  Where was she ever going to find someone at her age?  He’ll find someone else hotter and younger just as soon and he makes his mind up to do so, but where will she be?  Nowhere!

I get paid to listen to bullshit and agree with it so I told him he was right every step of the way.  I stroked his ego, I belittled her, I called her a gold digger, I told him he’s better off without her and many more things.  He enjoyed every word against her.

He was speaking to me as my 18 year old character.  Somehow he decided that this meant I was a high school senior and I never corrected him.  This began the new part of our conversation.  I was to pretend I was at his house with him and his wife came there to pick up some of her belongings.  In this fantasy I was riding him reverse cowgirl style and since I was blocking his view he could not see his wife’s face and I needed to describe to him both what I was doing to him but what she was seeing and thinking.  He wanted to hear her anguish and self doubt.  He wanted to hear her breaking down to see her almost 50 year old husband being ridden by an 18 year old high school girl.

After describing the scene completely I was to pretend I got up and dragged her by her hair into the house and yelled at her.  He wanted to hear me tell her she was old, flabby, used up, a gold digger, a loser, etc.  I was then to take her belt off and tie her hands up with it.  Then tie her feet together with his belt.  Then tie her to the chair with my jump rope (?).  Once I had her tied up I was to climb on his lap and kiss him and love on him and tell him that I loved him.

He couldn’t get enough of me telling him I love him.  I had to say his name.  “Bill, I love you so much.  Oh God Bill, I can’t live without you.” on and on for at least 20 minutes straight.  Then he added in things like “I love you Bill and I’m going to tell my parents to fuck off and I’m going to move in with you and finish high school and then go to college living here with you!”

He stayed on the phone with me almost 3 hours.  We would start the scenario over and tweak it a little here or there but we would always end up calling her names and me telling him endlessly that I loved him.  Interspersed amongst all of this he would cry and cry and scream “WHY DOESN’T SHE WANT ME ANYMORE?”

I can’t imagine why.

Dress me up.

A lot of the guys I talk to like the idea of wearing some type of women’s clothing.  The list of what they like to wear ranges from just panties to full on clothing and makeup

The most popular item they wear is panties.  Some of them only wear them when they’re horny.  Some wear them under their clothes all the time.

I just hung up from talking to a gentleman who wished to be addressed as Winona.  She informed me right away that she had on lipstick, eye shadow, and a wig.  She had on an adult diaper under a pair of leopard print bikini panties.  Over that she had on pantyhose.

“My wife never goes into my workshop behind the house.  I keep my underthings there.  I like calling them underthings.”  She then told me that she keeps her underthings in a bag wrapped in a small tarp in a cabinet in his workshop.  When his wife is going to be gone for an hour or more he heads out to dress up.

What would his wife think if she came in and saw her husband dressed up and jerking off?  Does she have any idea?  That’s the thing I wonder about.

He tells me that he wants me to repeat over and over again “Winona likes leotards!” but coaches me to make sure I’m really emphasizing the word leotard.  “Say it like leeee-ooooo-tard, like that!” he instructs me.

I repeat this over and over again for almost five minutes while I hear him jerking off.   He actually screamed the word leotard when he orgasmed.



Lying Liar, Md

One of my most profitable callers is one I call Lying Liar, Md.  I call him this because he’s an actual doctor and he tells more lies than anyone I’ve ever encountered except me with my callers.

Dr Liar works at a trauma center in a major US city.  He’s repeatedly told me his name so one day I Googled him and there he was.  Because he works at a county hospital his name and salary are listed for anyone to see.  We’ve talked extensively about medicine and he’s really interesting to talk to if you keep it to that subject.  On most any other subject he will tell you a litany of lies.

He’s a great customer because he will literally pay to talk to me for hours at a time.  I believe the shortest call we’ve ever had was about one hour because he was so tired he was falling asleep.  His usual call is around 6 hours long, but he’s talked to me as long as 9 hours at one time before.  His kink is twofold.  The first part of his kink, which he doesn’t admit to, is lying to make himself seem more impressive, desirable, and most importantly more powerful than he is.  His second kink is stories of him making women give him head.

The head he likes to talk about is semi-forced.  In his wild imagination these women are either to suck him off or suffer some horrible result so they suck him off as the lesser of two evils.  He finds this to be complimentary as if he’s so powerful he’s making them do it without realizing (or maybe not caring) that it’s kind of sad that a guy is such a loser he would need to make someone suck him off at all.

I can feel your confusion, so let me give an example.  He’s an emergency room doctor and he often trains medical students at his teaching hospital.  A pretty young med student (they’re always pretty and young) really messes up and would most likely not become a doctor if word of her screw up got out.  Dr Liar sees his opportunity and takes her aside and explains what she did wrong and how with a word he holds her fate.  He could turn her in and goodbye medical career or he could **unziiiip** and guess which one she chooses?  Forget that she could and would complain and get him fired, scandalized, and get a large payout from the hospital but no, she chooses to suck him off.  That’s one of dozens and dozens of examples he’s given me and swears they are all true dating back to when he was a mere 11 years old.

He’s had this “Fellatio or else!” version of Sophie’s Choice presented to many medical students, several RNs, a nun, a female police officer, 2 elected officials, a famous singer, numerous business women in the city where he lives, college students, the woman who lives next door to him and her daughter at the same time and separately, and many more I’m too lazy to type out.

He swears that every word is true even when you gently call bullshit.  I’m not foolish enough to straight out call bullshit because I want to take his money, but I try to let him know I’m not that stupid.  And that’s the funny thing, he doesn’t want you to be stupid.  He wants to talk to a girl who is around 19 or 20 years old but he wants you to get all of his humor and pop culture references which are decades older than the girl he’s speaking to.

The reason he wants a fairly intelligent phone sex girl is because out of a six hour call you’ll only be talking about sex with him for maybe 30-45 minutes.  Most of the rest of the time he’s talking on and on about whatever subject he’s into that day.  Terrorism, our country’s education system, food and gourmet cooking, jazz, zoology, World War II, and rugby to name a few.  He will literally talk for hours about these subjects with very little required of you.  In fact, if you do start offering an anecdote he will often interrupt you as if you weren’t speaking and start in on something else he wants to say.  About two hours in he’ll stop and tell you one of his Fellatio’s Choice stories and then it’s back to his topic.  He usually wraps up by pretending you are in a situation you can’t get out of so you suck him off and then he bids you goodnight.

Each time he calls he is usually spending at least $700 because the service he calls through to reach me isn’t cheap.  One of his average calls is probably about $900 and I’m not joking.  He calls about once every two or three weeks.  Dr Liar is a profitable fibber.